My Life Pivoted Today

As if the prospect of being hobbled for life was not sobering enough, my doctors informed me today that it might be best to amputate my leg. I trust you, gentle reader, to imagine throwing your leg, part of yourself, in the dumpster, for I don't feel equipped to convey to you the sinkhole of despair into which I plummeted. Hours later, I have composed myself sufficiently to look for meaning in this increasingly life-altering experience, and I share my paths of thought with you here. I choose to take it as a foregone conclusion that there is a purpose behind my suffering, perhaps a crucial lesson that requires the force of trauma to be accepted. Here are the leading candidates:

Easy Answer #1:
I have long felt that my leading character flaw was my inability to see things through to the finish, a lack of determination and willpower combined with a unique penchant for last-minute sabotage that kept my performance far below my potential. Perhaps I am now being faced with the ultimate test of willpower, to defeat through steely decisiveness the predictions of doctors and the inertia of my own character. Two women whom I respect enough to mention here, Sarah and JaNae, have shared with me their personal experiences of being told, inaccurately, that they would never walk again. Perhaps this is my chance to have a Lifetime Made-For-TV-Movie made about my life. I think I would like Justin Theroux to play me.

Easy Answer #2:
A close second on the list of Brandon's glaring character flaws is my lack of patience. Clearly, this experience could be set up to help me develop this quality that will serve me gretly in my chosen career path: teaching. After all, what choice do I have, as I lie in bed with only unwatchable salmagundi on television--seriously, out of a fecund spectrum of channels, I have found three shows that I can watch from start to finish without exasperation--but to cultivate my center and resonate calmly with the universe?

Hard, Confusing Answer:
It has been my habit to dodge praise and to minimize personal accomplishment. It is my opinion that this habit is a reflex that comes from feeling and being led to feel dirty and inadequate in the most personal of ways, especially sexually. Whether this is the actual source of what would diplomatically called my self-deprecation and might more directly be my called self-hatred is immaterial at this point. It is simply a fact that the evidence has never been sufficient to convince me that I am more than an ambivalent influence on existence. In contrast to this perception, as I recover I have been deluded with cries of emotional and spiritual support from throughout my circle of influence and across the city. People I barely know have gone to the nowadays rare length of mailing me get-well cards and the like. In addition to the growing stack of recuperatory correspondence and the steady stream of visits, I have occasionally been taken aback by effusive expressions of undying love from multiple corners. Although it has not escaped my notice, it has escaped my acceptance that I have been such an influence on many people as to be indelible. Although I have lately thought myself to be a pleasant acquaintance, evidently I have been selling myself short exponentially with regard to my profound influence in the lives of other people. This is consistent with my perception, as regular readers may observe, that it is time for the next, more significant step in my life. To further accentuate the lesson, it is worth noting that I am alive only by the intervention of a benevolent universe that wants me alive still. These three things have started congealing in my mind to form some sort of imminent epiphany that I hope to share with you, gentle reader, as soon as it becomes comprehensible. For now, suffice it to say that:
Even in my glaring inadequacy, I highlight and sweeten the lives of those around me.
I am not allowed to continue coasting through life, sharing my effulgence only fitfully.
I am not allowed to die yet (At least the second time the universe has given this message). There is either too much to learn still, or too much yet to accomplish.

I shall keep you (and myself) posted.