Wanted: Catalyst

It occurred to me recently that, whereas contructing a theology from scratch will be the highest and best use of my spiritual quarter, my emotional quarter has an equivalent. To shoot the moon in love, for me, would look like a partner with whom the interaction sparks a level of growth so profound, the only way to describe it is "evolution." I have, in the past been on the giving or recieving end of such a catalysis, but never has it been mutual for me. For instance, there are two people in my life whose mere presence unlocks things in my mind. It is as though my mind is a heap of metal filings, scattered and amoprhous, but these people, Val and Erik, radiate magnetic fields that line the mess up in ranks and reveal a pattern. I don't pretend that these people are saints or even that they consciously exert themselves in my behalf. It has the characteristics of a chemical reaction that is unexpectedly sped up by the presence of an otherwise unimportant and uninvolved catalyst. By the same token, I have had the experience of evolving certain people in my space, simply by being myself around them. Once I would have dismissed this as arrogantly taking credit for other peoples growth, but on Sunday my friend Tosha thanked me for breaking her through a difficult phase when all I did was be myself honestly. Looking back, I see that people give me that feedback regularly; I am simply resistant to hearing it. I am finally getting it, however, that I can, when authentically myself, catalyze personal evolution in other people the same way Val and Erik do in me.

Therefore, it seems perfectly rational to imagine a partner not only in whom I provide the necessary ingredients for logarithmic growth, but who inspires the same in me. If romance is a Mazlovian hierarchy of needs, then surely this is the topmost level. My sister Beth wonders why I have so little enthusiasm for her current beau. I think the answer lies here; Matt is a nice, honest, protective gentleman, but I don't see that either of them grow as a result of their connection. If it seems persnickety on my part to insist that my sister's boyfriends be of the very highest caliber, please recall that she is my sister. I suppose I should be grateful that Matt doesn't endanger her (like Patrick did) or stifle her (like Chris did), but it is clear to me that more exists, and I want for her that which I also want for myself: a partner in mutually unlimited growth.