Shortly After My Last Post, I Almost Died.

On the evening of April 24, my little Geo Prism carried me headlong into the grill of an oncoming semi. It is no exagerration to say that I almost died. The entire left side of my body was crushed. I write this now with my one good hand to try and make some sense of it all.

The headlining question is a morbid one: "Did I do it on purpose?" I cannot tell for sure, as I have no memory of the accident, but here is the key evidence:
On the yes side--
I have been, and even recently, in the frame of mind it would require to attempt such a thing.
I can't think of any reason why I would have been on the street where the accident took place, except for the aforementioned purpose.
I've considered this particular method of killing myself in the past.

On the no side--
I was in the middle of an Opera, and would have to be very desperate indeed to consider leaving something like that undone.
Although I have no memory of the accident, my memory of that day is that I was not depressed, let alone suicidal.
I am a big sissy, and can't imagine having the guts to make the swerve, just as I could never imagine having the guts to cut my wrists.
I had my seatbelt on, which would be counterproductive to a suicidal intent.
Nothing has happened that could have tipped me over the edge. It's been smooth sailing for months.

Having laid the evidence out in front of myself, I find it inconclusive. I am content, therefore, to postpone the question indefinitely. I don't think it likely that I will ever know for sure. Of course, it is also easier to not think about having done it on purpose. In my current frame of mind, such a thing seems downright insane.

So here I lie, a crumpled mess in need of repair. I've had five surgeries, and anticipate at least two more. I can't move my left leg--and cannot walk as a result--and can only use my left arm a little. It seems likely that, with the necessary amount of determination, I will walk again. I take it on good authority that my continued life is a near miracle, so I am bursting with ideas about how to make it worth the effort to have saved my sorry ass.