It's Not About Me, And

It's not about him (any him) either. I am exactly who and where I am meant to be.

In compiling my life, I have discovered an error in syntax. I have, for almost two years, been troubled by a disconnect in my social life. You see, I am an overall great guy. I know it, and everyone who meets me knows it (surely, dear reader, if you have been paying attention you are used to my lack of dissimulation, and will not mistake it for arrogance). It is confusing, therefore, that I have not, so far, attracted an equally great guy. This has been my pattern of thought: I meet men who are absolutely beautiful, through and through, and wonder what it is about me that fails to attract them. I then remember that I am actually quite a catch, and wonder what it is about him that fails to be attracted to me. Usually, this pattern ends at the bottom of bag of jellybeans. Here's the error in syntax: I am clear that it is not about me, but it does not necessarily follow that it is about him. If by it I mean the functioning of the universe, it is not about anybody, but rather about how the whole of existence spins around in a complicated pattern to create the happiness of every individual.

If a man to whom I am attracted is not attracted to me, it is likely through no fault of his own. I have been on both sides of this equation: Jerome is a world-class man. Really. I wish I were attracted to him, but I am not. It is not because I am picky or because he is ineligible in some way. It is not about either of us. Our rings in the armillary bloom of the universe are simply not spinning together. By the same token, I think I have been clear that Nathan absolutely puts dynamite under my bridge. It is no discredit to me that I do not do the same for him, just as it is no discredit to Jerome. It is an error to wonder why a particular man is not drawn to me. It is not because I am unattractive, needy, or intense. It is not about me at all, and it is fruitless to try and alter my character to attract him. It will never happen.

It will happen that the man whose disc is linked to mine will click into place and we will spin as one. My one remaining regret about my marriage to Jeung is that her family, whom I admire greatly, now hate me. Sunny is a pillar of a woman. Ho Dong and Ho Ryong are among the most real men I have ever met, and their respective wives are equally sterling. I only bring this up because I am reminded of something the speaker at Ho Dong and Rita's wedding said during the ceremony. "Often, it is said of a marrying couple that 'their paths have met,' but such is not true in the case of these two. What has been revealed is that they have, all along, travelled not on two paths that intersect, but on the same path. It is a blessing that they have noticed their fellow traveller and united with each other." I know this is true. It is fruitless to try and attract any particular man if we are not on the same path. Even if, through dissimulation or compromise, another man and I were able to force ourselves into a relationship, it would not only end, but do so badly. What a blessing to be free to pursue only the one who is travelling beside me, but whom I have not yet noticed.