A Yen For A Yang

A fellow asked me yesterday in all earnestness, "Why are you so intense?" An excellent question, clearly, but a better question is, "Why do I have no answer?" In part, I don't believe in Why. I feel that What is more important than Why. Nonetheless, it is intruiging to consider my intensity and whether it serves me in a relationship.

On the one hand, it would be nice to coexist with a man who is the very definition of reserved calm, a man upon whom I could rely to temper my impetuous, instant impatience. On the other hand, I can't help but feel that the only man who could take me is another intense firecracker, even though two of us is clearly a recipe for drama. My dilemma then becomes: is there a man who is well-grounded enough to be healthy for me, but adventurous enough not to hold me back?

Suppose for an instant that I end up with a complement, someone to fill in the gaps in my virtue. As far as classical virtue goes, I have runs in swords, wands, and cups. I am brilliant, spiritual and strong-hearted. On the other hand I am a little short-suited in coins, in physical, centered reality. Wouldn't it be nice to have a pillar, a rock upon which to lean, someone standing at the door with a catcher's mitt when I come home upon whom I could just fall and be loved. I can easily picture a future where this man and I create a home of intense natural beauty and overflowing warmth. There would be life everywhere; the indoors would reflect the outdoors and vice versa until the two flowed neatly into each other. Plants and animals--domestic and indigenous--would permeate the space, and children would play hide-and-seek fervently and gleefully throughout. In fact, this would be the perfect environment in which to raise children, either our own adopted kids or foster children who need us.

On the other hand, suppose I end up with a partner in mischief, an equally spontaneous bon vivant, a free spirit who highlights and magnifies my own strengths. What would it matter if we flowed through life without roots? So what if we travel, on a whim, throughout the world, exploring cultures and contributing to the formation of a global acceptance? How wonderful it would be to have a man to speak with in constantly shifting combinations of foreign languages, with whom to jump on a train at a moment's notice, without preparation, and spend the night in the rain on the streets of some foreign city or in a remote jungle. We would own a penthouse in a convenient metropolitan locale, furnished with only the basic furniture: tatami for seating and rest, and so many bookshelves filled with mementi and obscure volumes from all over the planet that the walls are scarcely visible--except for one wall which we are constantly filling with dynamic murals and foreign poetry. Wouldn't such a life be just as fulfilling?

Is there a balance to be struck? Does balance have any value even? Fran swears that balance is crap. "How do you balance passion without ruining it?" she asks. Where is the man who knows? I will love him as a brother and an equal; I will adorn him as Gilgamesh did Enkidu,with robes of alabaster, and cover him with lapis and carnelian.