Deus Ex Cathedra

It's a source of amazement to me that I have become the most devoutly religious person in my family. I don't mean to imply that I am the most spiritual; I am in no position to judge that, and if I was I would give the award to my Mom. I mean that, when it comes to the outward displays of devotion that one might call religion, I am far more conscientious than the other members of my family. This is especially a surprise to me because when I was trying to be a fundamentalist I was really bad at it. I didn't read the recommended daily allowance of Bible; I didn't take studious notes on the sermons--in fact I was more likely to take studious naps; and I had to force myself to pray at all, let alone regularly.

Now, I find myself reading the Bible straight through for the first time in my life; it appears that the only thing keeping me from it was the feeling of compulsion. I go out of my way--and make others go out of their way--to attend church every week. And I daily look skyawrd and say "thank you" for no reason other than that it seemed fitting. So what has caused this shift? Could it be that a period of alienation from JEHOVAH has actually put me in touch with my spirtuality? If you asked me two years ago what sort of a man I was, I would have replied instinctively: "I am a brilliant, insightful, unique, emotional man." But I have recently recognized that description as not quite accurate, and re-recorded my self-definition: "I am a brilliant, insightful, emotional, spiritual man." I'm like a rebellious child who says huffily, "I'll do it because I want to, not because you tell me to!" It is not that when religion was compulsory I resisted it; it simply didn't work. Now that religion is optional, I can't imagine doing without it.

Which makes it unfortunate that my Brother and parents look on me so condescendingly--as though my life is just another phase. If they were devoutly devoted to their chosen religion, I would understand their stance. But they are not. They rarely go to church--especially my Brother, for whom religious meetings take a back seat to mindless evenings of video games. I don't feel judged so much as condescended to, as though they are on a higher plane than I am because they belong to a more austere denomination.

I don't know, doctrinally, what I believe or what denomination is the best fit for me. I simply know that my experience of the church I currently attend is that there is something bigger than myself vibrating furiously within the members of the congregation. And when I go back to my parent's church--which I do about once a year as a sort of reality check--I feel like I'm treading on the heads of dispassionate zombies worshipping in a dead church. This is not because my church is the sort where people catch the holy ghost and throw themselves to their knees in repentance; it's quite ceremonious and traditional, in fact. But I know that, when I'm there, I am not just looking blankly into the sky, asking fruitlessly for answers.