Being Right After Being Left

I find that most gay men consider it the pinnacle of self-control to wait until the third date to have sex. To me, this does not really carry the aura of committment. Am I doomed? Is it vain to hope to have sex with only a man to whom I am first committed, and intimate with only as a result of that committment?

I am reminded of one of the first men with whom I was involved, whom I shall call Albuquerque for sake of clarity rather than anonymity. He shares a name with someone who is in my life, and I don't wish anyone to get the wrong idea. I was first coming out, and craving intimate experiences. Al was my same age, but more experienced (and slightly broken), so he was, naturally, more cautious about intimacy. I found it frustrating and peculiar that all he wanted to do was hold each other and cuddle. I knew for a fact that he had a libido, for I knew other men with whom he had been. So it wasn't a case of prudery or lack of drive. In looking back, I think he knew something I am only coming to realize, namely that sex stunts the growth of a relationship. I think he was interested in more than my body, and wanted to develop something more meaningful than a spree of passionate hoochie-koo.

After a few weeks, I finally prevailed upon Al to give it up, and was surprised when our, for lack of a better word, relationship suddenly turned weird. I realized, after the growing distance between us became too obvious, that we wanted different things, but was convinced that I was on the right side of the issue. Al was, in my mind, simply not ready for a relationship. How ironic to realize, two years later, that it was I who was behaving uncommittedly. He just wanted to be convinced that I wasn't just another itinerant boyfriend before he let me near his deepest places.

Now here I am, wanting far more than a man's body, wanting someone with whom to curl up so tightly that we become indistinguishable. I am currently holding a figurative candle in each hand, one for Micah and one for Kyle. Who knows why either of them entered my space--maybe to teach me something, maybe to learn something, maybe to unite. But I am quite clear: committment first, sex second. I haven't decided what committment looks like yet, but I don't think it means to get married in Canada, buy a house together, or otherwise pursue traditional expressions of unity. These come third in the sequence. It does occur to me that a declaration of committment and the exchange of some kind of token would be appropriate.

I realize that this takes me off of the interest list for 99% percent of men, but I am absolutely okay with that. It is apodictic that he is steadily drawing closer, and we are on the same path. I know that, whoever he is, he feels the same way. I am not okay with being a rental with the option to buy. And I will say it again: I am something new. Get used to it.